To: The Coward That Raped Me

I’m black, gay, and a woman

Which part of me will I need to defend?

On January 20th, I didn’t know I’d need to protect myself

From someone I considered my friend.

“I’m gonna make you like guys again”

Are the actual words that he said

Just months before he carried me to his apartment

And laid me on his bed.

I was in and out of consciousness

Which makes it a lot harder

I wish I could’ve slept through it

And used sleep as some kind of mental armor.

But instead I remember

I remember it all

I remember seeing my pants

And watching them fall.

Why are you doing this?

I thought we were friends

Never in a million years would I have thought

That this is how my night would end.

You had said it before

“Let’s do it one more time”

I thought if I just kept saying no

That everything would be fine.

I trusted you

Which is why you waited

Until I couldn’t say no

Until I was incredibly intoxicated.

You opened my jaw

You filled my mouth

Oh my god I can’t breathe

I just want to blackout.

I wake up again

And I’m aware that you know

That I’m on my period

Because earlier I had let it show.

So what do you do?

You anally rape me.

And you only pushed harder and faster

When you heard me groaning.

Hours pass and you start again

But this time I think I can move

This time you won’t win.

Afraid, alone, and confused

Are only 3 of the emotions I was feeling

My hands were steady

But my brain was reeling.

I called my friend

And told her I was gonna be fine

That I had a lot of homework to do

And not a lot of time.

Thank God for my sisters

That didn’t let me crumble or stay weak

They told me to get the fuck up

And go to the police.

That’s what I needed

That’s what I did

And now I won’t stop fighting

Until you own up to what you did.

The writings of a queer, Black, and fed up feminist.

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